Never Alone

Our relationship is constantly evolving and why shouldn’t it? It has been evolving since the day we met and I am sure through many lifetimes before this one. Just when I think I have it all figured out, we take a step off in to another direction. A year ago, we were still growing old together. Saturday is “diagnosis day.” One year ago, our lives were completely turned upside down. I thought this would be a really painful time, but now I see that this latest round of spiritual upgrades seem to have changed me in a positive way. It wasn’t easy. For the past couple of weeks, every tiny little bit of pain that I still carried in my heart was pulled out and transmuted in to love and light. I feel like I have completed a chapter in my life and finally, I am ready to move on to a brand new chapter.
His energy has also changed. In letting go of the pain, we have both moved into a different less dependent phase. It is like, he has gone from the comforter and protector to the peaceful friend who is no longer waiting for the “Bat signal”, but instead for the chance to share in a belly laugh, or an opportunity to shower his own kind of magic in to the lives of anyone he touches. He is no longer mine alone. He is a part of the Universe, finally completely healed and absolutely nothing but the purest form of love.
There was a time when I was so afraid of losing him, but now I know that I could never lose the part of him that exists in each one of us. That beautiful spark of God never dies. I have finally heard the message that he has been trying to give me since the beginning, “You and I and everyone else, are eternally connected. We are never apart. With every word you speak or write, you hear my words. With every sight that you see, every sound you hear, every smell, every taste, I am there. I am in you and I am all around you and you are never alone. There is no more just me, or just Steve. When you see me, you see him. When I speak, he speaks. This is not magic. This is you and me and everyone else. We are all God. Each one of us is eternally connected by the golden cord that attaches us to who we really are. To be with Steve, all I have to do is live in love. Day in, day out, whenever I feel love, I feel Steve. He is in every person that I pass and every fox, deer, tree, flower and rainbow. I never lost him, I found him, in everything.

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Grief Can Be a Powerful Teacher

Steve has become the most amazing teacher. Today, something changed for us. I have been really trying my best to figure it out and a little while ago some clarity came. Last night I took a stroll down memory lane. I do this sometimes. It is usually triggered by a post on facebook or a song and then I just decide to go digging through memories and I smile, and laugh and eventually fall apart. Last night was no different. It is exhausting work but, it is the process of digging down deep and pulling out the pain in order to help it heal.

Today, I had been out on a grocery run and I was in pretty good spirits. I had even practiced an exercise that Paul Wyrostek teaches on how to get in to a good meditative state no matter where we are. So, by the time I got home, I was in good shape. When I walked in to my bedroom, I felt him as if I walked right through him on my way to put some things away. I laughed and said, “Hi Steve. Be right back.”

I set things down and walked back to where I felt him and just stopped and stood there. He was so “there” that he totally took my breath away. I just stood there breathing him in for a few minutes and then I went about my business. I sat down to do a little work on the computer, when suddenly, he was there again and once again, I could barely breathe with the overwhelming love he was showering me with.

     I finally realized something today. When he first got sick, I was very frustrated and
angry. I wanted him to fight, and all it seemed like he was doing was quitting on me. I
walked in to the bedroom and I took the photo off of the wall of him leaning me back in
to a dip in one of our wedding photos, and I told him, “I want this guy back! I want you to fight this thing and I want you to be strong and full of life again!” I still get mad at myself for that, but I was so angry over it all, and I’m very honest when I’m angry. He just looked at me and said. “I’m trying.”
     Today, that memory came back to me for a reason. I am still doing that. A part of me still wants that guy back. Here I have this beautiful miracle in my life. He has proven to me that love never dies. He fills my days with tiny miracles, and yet, I still allow myself to get down sometimes because I haven’t fully come to terms with losing his physical self.
     This is where all of this anger has been coming from recently.  What I have finally realized is that he can’t be that guy anymore but he is so much more. Wanting him back the way he used to be would be like asking me to go back to who I was a year ago.  I can’t stand it when people try to pull me back to that low vibration.
     Steve isn’t some lowly human anymore. He is everything. He is the sun and the moon and everything in between. It is time for me to realize that I am living a miraculous adventure. It is time for me to fully embrace who he has become and let go of who he was. Sure, it is o.k. to have beautiful memories as long as I remember that what he is now an absolute miracle.
     He came through much stronger to me today, to show me that when I pull myself back up out of the mud puddle called grief, that is when he can fill me with his love. The pain hurts him as much as it hurts me and it is time to let it go. No more pain, Steve. I love you just as you are, the same way you have always loved me, without condition.

Coveritupitis

I have spent the past four or five days analyzing myself and trying to decipher what it is that keeps pulling me down. I have come to a diagnosis. I have a solid case of “coveritupitis”. 🙂

I do not like to hurt. I do not like to make others hurt. I am an empath. I feel the pains of others. I seem to think that others do the same with me. So, in order to keep others from feeling my pain, right away after his passing, I started looking for the rainbows and butterflies. The other night, a memory came back to me. On his last trip to the hospital, I sat down beside him, and I held his hand, and I told him that I needed him to make a decision for me. I told him that when he had gotten really bad, I sat there and I argued with myself about how to handle the situation if I had to choose for him to live or to die. I told him that I needed him to make the decision. I could never choose for him to die. I would always fight. He quietly told me, “If all I have left is pain, I don’t want to live.” I already knew what his answer was, but I needed to hear him say the words. The other night, I was driving alone in the car and I felt a wave of grief wash over me. His words came back only this time, it was not coming from him, it came from me. “If all I have left in this world is pain, I don’t want to stay.” There, that is my heart speaking.

Finally, I have managed to dig down so deep that there is no more covering up the pain from my own self. I finally let myself say the words that had been resting on my heart for the last 10 months. In releasing those words, something in me was set free and the grief came flooding out. I know that I have so much love in my life. I have so many things to live for. I know this intellectually. I also feel him with me all of the time. I have this amazing life. I know that I have so much more than pain, but in those dark moments, when the waves roll in again, all I feel is the loss. It is in those moments, when the pain is almost too much to bear that I long to go home to him.

I only give this to you because I want you to know that I am far from perfect. I put a big smile on my face and I go through life as if I have it all together. Inside, I am still broken. We all are to some extent.

We empaths, all seem infected with different degrees of “Coveritupitis.” We don’t let our pains show because we don’t want to make anyone else suffer. This past few days has been a lesson in getting past my “Coveritupitis.” I don’t hold back the ocean of tears anymore. If I feel alone, I allow the pain to engulf me for a while.

At first, I felt like I was falling backwards in the process of healing, but what I have realized is that this is not falling backwards at all. This is a jump forward. I can never fully heal by sticking a band-aid on a gaping wound. The only way to heal is to get in there and dig out all of the infection that has been eating at me.

This is probably the toughest thing I have had to do in a long time. I can’t run from it or hide it anymore. I have to just let it come completely to the surface so that I can deal with it. Steve will always be a huge part of my life. He showed me how to love with my whole heart. Losing him did not change that. I did not close off my heart in the way that others do. I refuse to protect myself from pain by shutting love out. What I have become, is exactly the opposite.My heart is more open than it has ever been. I have been to hell and back. I am not afraid to love from the depths of my heart because I know that love never truly dies.

I also know that losing him is what brought out my inner superhero. Losing him was the greatest gift he could have ever given me. He knew it when he left. It has taken me 10 months to fully accept his gift, but I do now, Steve. I fully accept this gift you have given me. Thank you for proving that men don’t always leave.

When I look at me through your eyes, I am finally beginning to see why you love me so. I have to be something special for a soul like yours to love me the way you love me. Thank you for carrying me to this place. I don’t know how long you will stay with me, but I thank you for every single second of your continued presence in my life.

Remember the song you always sang to me,”Your Love Amazes me.” That is my song for you today.  Your love still amazes me.

Heal the Child

Smoky Mountain Sun

Do you know what happens when you finally dig down deep enough to find and heal your inner child? That is the day when you finally feel completely secure in who you really are. There is an overwhelming peace in knowing that you are loved beyond measure, that not a second goes by when you are ever left alone on this alien planet.

Suddenly you are that tiny child curled up in the lap of love.  This is when you finally let go of the illusion of separation, and you remember that no matter what horrors you may have gone through in this human existence, they no longer hold any power over you. Like a child waking up from a nightmare, you realize that you are safe and wrapped in the arms of love.
We all will come to this realization one day, whether it happens in this lifetime or when we let go and return to who we really are. I look around me and I see people who choose to live in the mud puddles of life. They refuse to believe that they are each a spark of God, capable of creating a life that is only held back by their own inability to let go of all of the lies that they have accepted as reality.
Happiness lies in letting go and digging down deep,  until we can finally remember who we really are. It isn’t always easy. The process takes work and perseverance, but with every layer of damage that we peel away, comes the gift of love beyond measure.
Every passing day brings more joy, until one day you wake up and realize that you are there. Suddenly you just know that the magic you believed in as a small child is real. You finally realize that, you are the magic, and that this life is nothing less than purely miraculous. Suddenly you know that even the mountains that tower over you,  stand waiting at your command.

Steve’s Fairy Tale

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There once was a beautiful princess who lived in a far away castle.  Her world was filled with abundance of food, love, and gifts that her parents, the King and Queen bestowed upon her.  Fortunately, they did not spoil the girl though.  The princess grew up in a world of beauty, but more importantly immense love, and compassion.

The castle walls were never locked, and every day, the villagers would come to the King and Queen bringing gifts.  If the villagers were struggling in any way, the King and Queen were always compassionate leaders and the Princess was always a witness to this.

As the princess grew, she too became kind, loving and filled with empathy for everyone she came in to contact with.  One day, as the gates opened, a young man came in to the castle.  As he rounded a corner, he ran straight in to the princess, making her drop all of her books to the ground.  As they both quickly leaned down to pick them up, their heads collided in a thump.  The young man stepped back quickly and bowed, afraid that she might be angry.  Instead, a beautiful laugh came bubbling up our of her, and he couldn’t help but laugh with her.  As their eyes met, hers deep green, and his the bluest of blue, it felt as if the Earth shook a bit.  The Princess swayed with a touch of dizziness, and the man reached out to steady her.  A small bolt of electricity shocked them both as they touched.  Suddenly, the princess was overcome with a vision and she closed her eyes and allowed it to come.  She saw this man, but different, in each scene.  His eyes were always the same, but in each time, his clothes were different .  Every time, the two of them were together, and she felt great love, and then each time, he was taken from her in death.  .  Tears came to her eyes and she quietly sat down on a bench and he sat with her to bring her comfort.

This story could go on through their courtship and marriage, but the most beautiful part of this story did not happen during their human existence.   They did have their fairy tale life and just as in her vision, he died a tragic death and she had to live on without him.  Finally, the day came when she too died and he was right there waiting to hold her once again.

They were in a place where there was no time and everything was perfect.  They could have remained in that perfect place, but not these two.  Within them both was a sense of gratitude for their beautiful life of abundance, and they quietly formed a plan to give back to humanity in the most sacrificial way.  This was not an easy plan.  Just as the princess had seen in her vision, this plan required loss after loss.  Lifetime after lifetime, they would meet, fall in love, and live together for a period of time.  Then, in each lifetime, her prince would die, once again, and she would have to go on without him.  They had a purpose to fulfill, karma of their ancestors to release, and there, in that perfect world of love, they knew that they could do it,  because they both understood that the sacrifices that they had to make, were for the greater good to bring many souls in to the light.

Still as the prince looked upon his princess, he longed for her to give up this plan.  He could not bear to see her go through that pain over and over again.  She, being the stubborn redhead that she was, would not give in so the prince created a plan of his own.  “I will build a bridge between this world and the next. This bridge will allow me to come to you  after my death so that you will never feel alone.  I will die a physical death, but my spirit will never leave your side.”  The princess felt tears slide down her face as she looked upon this man who loved her this much.  The plan was created and executed.

Over and over, the cycle continued.  Each time, they stepped in to a new life time, they eventually felt the call and every time they found one another.  There was always a time of great love, but every time, he would die and she, having forgotten the plan, would suffer greatly.  The prince always kept his promise..  As soon as she would find some peace, she would realize that he was still right there beside her.  While it was never the same as having him there with her physically, she was always greatly comforted by him.

Finally, the time came when they knew that the cycle was nearly complete.  This would be the last lifetime when they would be required to go through this painful loss.  They spent many hours resting together beside purple blue lakes.  They held one another and tried to fill each other up to the brim with the love and strength that they each would need to go through this last painful loss.  This lifetime would not be an easy one.  After so many lives lived in opulence, they had chosen to live lives of much scarcity.   There would be lack, hunger and pain this time, but through it all, they would find one another and they would work to heal in the time that they had together.

Once again, the Prince, sought to make this loss easier for his Princess.  He crafted a symbol on a ring in the shape of a celtic cross and gave it to her.  This is the symbol you will be given, after I am gone.  This is the  symbol that will remind you that this is the last time you will suffer loss.   When you see this symbol you will know that I am there to protect you and you will also know that you have completed your mission.  This symbol will tell you that you finally made it to your “happily ever after.”

And that, my friends, is the end of the fairy tale.  Yes, it is mostly imagination, but in many ways, there is truth.  Many times Steve and I have lived on this Earth and many times we have suffered great loss.  What I have realized just recently, is that I really am now living my happily ever after.  Yes, losing him was the greatest pain that I will ever endure, but it was in losing him that I found him.  I thought he was amazing when he was my husband here on this Earth.  I had no idea how amazing he really is.  For a man to find a way to bridge the gap between our worlds, is hard for even me to comprehend.

In everything that happens in our lives, there is always the possibility of miracles.  The miracles do not always come in the ways that we hope.  When he was sick, I wanted the miracle of his healing.  What I received was far greater.  I received the miracle of knowing a love that spans time and space.  In receiving such an amazing miracle, I am finally coming to a place where my soul is complete.  So many wounds have healed and I realize that my purpose, like so many of you, is to live a life that is filled with joy, filled with love and filled with the anticipation and appreciation of being allowed to live in a time of great change.  This is my happily ever after.  All of you,  are my happily ever after and one of these days, my prince and I will jump on to his trusty steed and ride off in to the sunset, full and complete and at peace.

Be an Example

One day I asked Steve why he was different with me than he was with his ex-wife. He simply said, “We give back what we get.” That was a profound statement. I too, had been through an abusive relationship. I had grown to hate the person my ex-husband had turned me in to. We have the ability to change one another either for good or for bad. Steve and I changed each other for good. Isn’t that what we are here for?

 

I now realize that I can change me and as I change me, I can help others around me to change also,  and what a profoundly beautiful realization that is. We need to be the person that we want to see in other people.

Ruby Slippers

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Have you ever considered the real meaning behind the story, “The Wizard of Oz”? It’s about a girl that is being bullied by the mean lady down the street who hates little doggies. She gets a knock in the head and flies off to someplace over the rainbow where she is told that she needs some kind of help to defeat the mean lady that wants to kill her doggy. So, she sets off to get the help she needs and along the way, she meets a bunch of really crazy characters that all turn out to teach her what she needs to learn along the way.

She is strong and she defeats that old mean lady and she saves her doggy. She makes it back to the place where she thinks she needs to go in order to find her way back home, only to realize that she never even needed help in the first place. She had the power within herself to fix all of her problems all along. She just needed someone to point that out to her. 

So, let me just tell each of you one thing today; you do not need anyone else to fix your life. Look within yourself and realize that you have all of the power you need anytime you need it. You are magnificent and even though you may some day meet Prince Charming…or even Princess Charming and live happily ever after, you don’t absolutely have to, because no matter what, you’ve got all of the happiness you need already inside of you.

The best relationships happen when you realize that you can be happy all by yourself. That is the day that you find someone else and the two of you figure out how to be a blissfully happy partnership of two people who are self-empowered bad ass superheroes!