You say that you don’t know.
I say that is okay.
You say that you don’t know.
I say that is okay.
Peter and the Moon
Look at the full moon in all of her splendor
Her porcelain face proudly displays
The scars of meteors that tried to destroy her
But fell to her strength and shattered they rest
Beautifully battered she rises
Over the depths of the ocean
Her reflection touching water in a soft embrace
The ocean drawn to her power and grace
Reaches for distant shores as it rages beneath her
Their power intermingled
In a lover’s embrace
Can you find beauty in a dandelion that stands tall beside a dead tree? Do you feel drawn to lay your hands on the rocks and trees? Is water like a magnet to your soul? Does the right song make your heart swell up so big that it can not be contained in your chest? Do you feel joy when looking upon a smiling face? Can your sense of hope fill a bottomless barrel? Do you find that time alone is a gift as your soul finds time to reconnect to the creator within you? Can you open your eyes to the God that is within you and within every single person, plant, animal, stick and stone? Do you find joy in the simple action of filling your lungs with clean air? Do you stop to listen as the wind blows through the trees as you long to learn the language of the Earth? Can you look within my heart and see the love that abounds for you? If you can answer yes to all of these questions, then come find me under the stars, and together we will change the world.
Our relationship is constantly evolving and why shouldn’t it? It has been evolving since the day we met and I am sure through many lifetimes before this one. Just when I think I have it all figured out, we take a step off in to another direction. A year ago, we were still growing old together. Saturday is “diagnosis day.” One year ago, our lives were completely turned upside down. I thought this would be a really painful time, but now I see that this latest round of spiritual upgrades seem to have changed me in a positive way. It wasn’t easy. For the past couple of weeks, every tiny little bit of pain that I still carried in my heart was pulled out and transmuted in to love and light. I feel like I have completed a chapter in my life and finally, I am ready to move on to a brand new chapter.
His energy has also changed. In letting go of the pain, we have both moved into a different less dependent phase. It is like, he has gone from the comforter and protector to the peaceful friend who is no longer waiting for the “Bat signal”, but instead for the chance to share in a belly laugh, or an opportunity to shower his own kind of magic in to the lives of anyone he touches. He is no longer mine alone. He is a part of the Universe, finally completely healed and absolutely nothing but the purest form of love.
There was a time when I was so afraid of losing him, but now I know that I could never lose the part of him that exists in each one of us. That beautiful spark of God never dies. I have finally heard the message that he has been trying to give me since the beginning, “You and I and everyone else, are eternally connected. We are never apart. With every word you speak or write, you hear my words. With every sight that you see, every sound you hear, every smell, every taste, I am there. I am in you and I am all around you and you are never alone. There is no more just me, or just Steve. When you see me, you see him. When I speak, he speaks. This is not magic. This is you and me and everyone else. We are all God. Each one of us is eternally connected by the golden cord that attaches us to who we really are. To be with Steve, all I have to do is live in love. Day in, day out, whenever I feel love, I feel Steve. He is in every person that I pass and every fox, deer, tree, flower and rainbow. I never lost him, I found him, in everything.
Steve has become the most amazing teacher. Today, something changed for us. I have been really trying my best to figure it out and a little while ago some clarity came. Last night I took a stroll down memory lane. I do this sometimes. It is usually triggered by a post on facebook or a song and then I just decide to go digging through memories and I smile, and laugh and eventually fall apart. Last night was no different. It is exhausting work but, it is the process of digging down deep and pulling out the pain in order to help it heal.
Today, I had been out on a grocery run and I was in pretty good spirits. I had even practiced an exercise that Paul Wyrostek teaches on how to get in to a good meditative state no matter where we are. So, by the time I got home, I was in good shape. When I walked in to my bedroom, I felt him as if I walked right through him on my way to put some things away. I laughed and said, “Hi Steve. Be right back.”
I set things down and walked back to where I felt him and just stopped and stood there. He was so “there” that he totally took my breath away. I just stood there breathing him in for a few minutes and then I went about my business. I sat down to do a little work on the computer, when suddenly, he was there again and once again, I could barely breathe with the overwhelming love he was showering me with.
I have spent the past four or five days analyzing myself and trying to decipher what it is that keeps pulling me down. I have come to a diagnosis. I have a solid case of “coveritupitis”. 🙂
I do not like to hurt. I do not like to make others hurt. I am an empath. I feel the pains of others. I seem to think that others do the same with me. So, in order to keep others from feeling my pain, right away after his passing, I started looking for the rainbows and butterflies. The other night, a memory came back to me. On his last trip to the hospital, I sat down beside him, and I held his hand, and I told him that I needed him to make a decision for me. I told him that when he had gotten really bad, I sat there and I argued with myself about how to handle the situation if I had to choose for him to live or to die. I told him that I needed him to make the decision. I could never choose for him to die. I would always fight. He quietly told me, “If all I have left is pain, I don’t want to live.” I already knew what his answer was, but I needed to hear him say the words. The other night, I was driving alone in the car and I felt a wave of grief wash over me. His words came back only this time, it was not coming from him, it came from me. “If all I have left in this world is pain, I don’t want to stay.” There, that is my heart speaking.
Finally, I have managed to dig down so deep that there is no more covering up the pain from my own self. I finally let myself say the words that had been resting on my heart for the last 10 months. In releasing those words, something in me was set free and the grief came flooding out. I know that I have so much love in my life. I have so many things to live for. I know this intellectually. I also feel him with me all of the time. I have this amazing life. I know that I have so much more than pain, but in those dark moments, when the waves roll in again, all I feel is the loss. It is in those moments, when the pain is almost too much to bear that I long to go home to him.
I only give this to you because I want you to know that I am far from perfect. I put a big smile on my face and I go through life as if I have it all together. Inside, I am still broken. We all are to some extent.
We empaths, all seem infected with different degrees of “Coveritupitis.” We don’t let our pains show because we don’t want to make anyone else suffer. This past few days has been a lesson in getting past my “Coveritupitis.” I don’t hold back the ocean of tears anymore. If I feel alone, I allow the pain to engulf me for a while.
At first, I felt like I was falling backwards in the process of healing, but what I have realized is that this is not falling backwards at all. This is a jump forward. I can never fully heal by sticking a band-aid on a gaping wound. The only way to heal is to get in there and dig out all of the infection that has been eating at me.
This is probably the toughest thing I have had to do in a long time. I can’t run from it or hide it anymore. I have to just let it come completely to the surface so that I can deal with it. Steve will always be a huge part of my life. He showed me how to love with my whole heart. Losing him did not change that. I did not close off my heart in the way that others do. I refuse to protect myself from pain by shutting love out. What I have become, is exactly the opposite.My heart is more open than it has ever been. I have been to hell and back. I am not afraid to love from the depths of my heart because I know that love never truly dies.
I also know that losing him is what brought out my inner superhero. Losing him was the greatest gift he could have ever given me. He knew it when he left. It has taken me 10 months to fully accept his gift, but I do now, Steve. I fully accept this gift you have given me. Thank you for proving that men don’t always leave.
When I look at me through your eyes, I am finally beginning to see why you love me so. I have to be something special for a soul like yours to love me the way you love me. Thank you for carrying me to this place. I don’t know how long you will stay with me, but I thank you for every single second of your continued presence in my life.
Remember the song you always sang to me,”Your Love Amazes me.” That is my song for you today. Your love still amazes me.
Do you know what happens when you finally dig down deep enough to find and heal your inner child? That is the day when you finally feel completely secure in who you really are. There is an overwhelming peace in knowing that you are loved beyond measure, that not a second goes by when you are ever left alone on this alien planet.